30 & 31 January 2016

My lessons of gratitude today & yesterday:

• I'm grateful that I managed to complete most of my errands yesterday - from getting my clinical wear (with the help of camel) to my groceries (also with her help). My gosh haha it was strange because I always did things on my own and never really realized how much I didn't exactly 'take care' of myself until she pointed it out. So for that I am also extremely grateful to her. Oh well, I might have ended the day without cooking because of oil, but I found that hilarious. So I'm thankful for that moment of ridiculousness - if things always go according to plan, then where's the fun? hahaha
• Wow, it was pretty cold down in Innaloo today, the wind was so strong I was having trouble moving against it. It's funny because it's supposed to be summer, but I'm thankful for the coolness of Perth that I've missed for months. 
• And it rained yesterday and today! It's funny how it's raining so much despite it being summer right now. Maybe it's true that summer is already moving into fall. I am thankful when I see how vibrant the leaves are and how the birds seem to welcome me into a beautiful new day. I am thankful when I walk down the wooden path, tilting my head up as I breathe in the smell of incoming rain - hearing the susurration of the leaves, as if they were whispering a calming message to me.
• I feel comforted when I hear my medicine friend (the one in an LDR) tell me this: He's not looking for a fling but a wife. I resonated so much with this, and I think it really takes a mature perspective to firstly settle in this view and secondly to actually commit to it. I always feel as if I'm a few years older than my actual age inside of me, as if I have an old heart with a young body haha. I found myself agreeing with a lot of his points. I think it's really important for everyone to be able to be happy and grow on their own, and then make an even better choreography when they're together with someone who can complement them in their life goals.
• Just yesterday I saw another two amazing acts of Australians. The first was when a pregnant lady left her purse in the bus and the bus I just got on was already moving at least a few metres away from the last stop. The Australian dude yelled "hey stop the bus!" and he jumped off, running towards the lady and passed her the wallet. From the back of the bus, I could see the pregnant lady so overcome with gratefulness. Another one was when I walked by some of the homeless people... and I saw a different sight. There was this one lady who squatted next to the homeless person with a meal. I saw the steam rising from the burrito and I thought to myself... This world isn't that cold afterall.... the warmth is just hiding away. Afterall, a fire doesn't burn without fuel and people need to constantly keep it burning. These acts make me fuzzy inside and want to become a better person. If I have the spare change, I swear to myself that I will get one of these guys a meal they deserve. I've always wanted to do it, but I guess it takes a certain amount of courage to talk to someone who is culturally different from you. I need to learn how to radiate warmth to everyone, we are all humans, and only because it is what it means to be human. This is why I love the culture here more than in Singapore.
• I think the world is really beautiful. Today camel told me a haiku and I liked it so much I'm going to put it here: 

Walking this path
I choose one patch of sunlight
after another

•  I think there's just so much to be appreciated in nature - what more to say in the beauty of a being? Perhaps real appreciation can only be done in silence because it makes the heart skip a beat - it throws your mind into wonder - as if time could do nothing else but to freeze.
• Things can be tough, the mind can be in turmoil - but ultimately these things are just clouds that pass by ephemerally. They bring rain or storms and can sting a little, but that's totally fine because we are the skies that hold them. I'm grateful to these opportunities.

29 January 2016

My lessons of gratitude today:

• Wow, it's been 2 and a half weeks since I started my gratitude journal! Well, I have to say that it's been a very interesting way to show my appreciation in the many things in life and it always puts a smile on my face and also brings me a greater sensitivity to my own emotions. Perhaps that's what they call narrative medicine. I'll definitely continue to do it. Even if I don't write on days I'll make up for it on other days. I'm grateful to have started it up and kudos to the positive psychologists who came up with it. 
• First-aid finally ended. Well, it was a pretty fun experience because it incorporated strange things that first-aid in Singapore would never teach - such as treating all the dangerous bites like scorpions, spiders, and all kinds of stuff around in WA. It's kinda amazing and I feel so empowered now that I can prevent someone on the street from dying from poisoning with my new skills :)
•  While looking at all the exotic life, I suddenly realized... Well, I really... really want to learn the various medicinal herbs found in Eastern medicine. It'll be amazing if I could see a plant and then immediately know what fruit it bears and what kind of treatment can be made from it. Maybe I'll pick up a book on it soon and start haha
• I'm so grateful for everything in my life right now. Sometimes I'd think - Oh I need this and this and then I'll be happy but then I realize that my thoughts have already gone wild and my mind brought into illusion - a state of craving. Everything right now is perfect and beautiful, since everything is always imperfect. It is imperfection that allows perfection. But perfection is a process and it comes from imperfection, just like how a caterpillar goes through many changes within its cocoon before it emerges as a butterfly. And I need to be present in every single moment. To give my all at every single moment. I must remind myself that my eventual goal is to attain enlightenment and be a bodhisattva to give more to the world.
• I loved how the birds chirp in the morning and little ducklings waddle across the lawn of my university. Then I remember the innocence of the world and how so many people, in their urgency to "fit with the world" and become an "adult" have already forgotten what it was like to be content with nothing but wonder. As a child we never knew what was coming up for us, but we were in the moment all the time. So I am grateful at how nature frequently reminds me to be present. When I hear the birds sing, I hear them and that's all I hear. At that point my heart would soar and I would just walk by, my mind refreshed and light. Sometimes I wonder what the birds are talking about.
• 
  

27 January 2016

My lessons of gratitude today:

• It's funny. One of my old, old friends suddenly popped me up on Whatsapp and we ended up chatting. He then said, "Just wanted to say that what you said many years ago still remains in my head man. You said - Don't let the words of others dictate what you feel in your heart is right." I went... "Did I?!" and I was pretty amazed that my words had such an impact when I didn't even remember it myself. But yeah, it was strange because I always enforced that subconsciously in the past. I guess it's a really good reminder right now too, it's a much needed one for so many areas of my life right now. I am grateful. 
• I wonder if it's old-friend day today. I got another message over FB about how I helped this friend make her cover of the song 叶子. Truthfully speaking I was pretty annoyed at how perfectionistic she was that time, asking me to repeat the cover for over 10 times. But then I just repeatedly turned towards the good things, enjoying the improvisation. Now she's pretty up-there, she's like this director of Crimewatch on Mediacorp. She then said she wanted to make another cover, and I'm like... will I be aired on TV ;) Haha of course not. But yeah, I'm appreciative and so grateful for all these little moments of goodwill in my life. I'm so grateful that my past self had continued that equanimity and upheld the dharma. Which links back to what I feel about my first point... as long as I do what I feel in my heart is right... the heart wisdom is something that I'd never really regret.
• Which reminds me! I almost agreed to being the musical director/composer for a Buddhist musical. Although I turned it down because of my medical commitments, I'd definitely love to see it coming into fruition. I'd probably just write some tunes and send them over when I have the inspiration. I just love the idea of something in my mind manifesting outwards into something amazing. I'm so grateful for that opportunity.
• Today was a pretty spectacular day... Lectures after lectures, speakers after speakers. Needless to say from all the introductions and socializing I got drained pretty badly. I did a short qigong session after that though, so I'm far better. I learned so much about what I was going into. It pretty much erased every doubt that I had towards medicine, and since I know what I want, I'm going to go for it. Therefore, I'm grateful for the effort that all the doctor professors put into it. I can't wait to get my student doctor card. More reflections on tumblr. :)
• Two med friends I made today invited me for rock-climbing and boxing! Haha I'm pretty keen on both, but I'd probably have to choose just one. Or maybe I need some time off for some introspection. I want to surf though... hahaha. That inner urge to surf. Well, I appreciate how all of these opportunities are surfacing. As I said I really wanna get in touch with my body, so I'm just working it all out for now. I'm grateful.
• It was going to be golden hour! So I just decided to put on my sport shoes and sprint towards Kings' Park to try and get a sunset shot. But obviously I underestimated the distance from the hall to Kings' Park, which is about 5 km away, and probably another 1 km up the hill. So I just went over to Matilda Bay and sat on the bench... I was pretty glad I did that. I saw the sun dipping down and its hues just splashed across the entire blue canvas of a sky. I was hypnotised by the ripples in the water. I saw a pink angel in the sky. It's pretty awesome, although it would have been a really nice one if the sky was completely clear. But I'm grateful for all of these amazing things. I was just sitting there, contemplating on how small we all are. We're like a speck of pepper. So many planets out there and stars. And we rely so much on the sun, it's a really amazing thing to see such a powerful ball hahaha. Maybe that's why the Egyptians revered the sun god.
• You know what I'm really grateful for? That I know someone else is happy when she reads my entries. A certain girl who slurps water like it's oxygen and drinks her food through her bellybutton. Hahaha she's gonna kill me. I'm so grateful to know her, and it's probably the biggest blessing that I've had in my life.

26 January 2016

Firstly, I apologize to myself for not posting my gratitude journal for the past few weeks because I didn't have access to my laptop. Therefore... I'll compensate with today's (typing in the computer lab).

My many lessons of gratitude today:

•  I am grateful for the kindness in others. Today I saw a really amazing scene. We were at this place where everyone camped on mats or stood to wait for the fireworks for nearly an hour. There was this old Australian man who was stumbling without a cane. Then he accidentally fell onto a kid. I saw this flash of anger over the father's face as he braced the impact and pushed the old man away. The old man didn't fall and the kid was safe. But then what amazed me after that was how his face was replaced by one that of concern for the old man. He then walked behind him and held him on his limping side, helping to walk him all the way to the next bus stop. I was so entranced by that scene I totally forgot I was there to watch fireworks. I remember feeling that there IS inherent good in people after all. People are conscious. I found it so satisfying to see a person retract back from his anger and instead, exercise compassion. It's definitely a rare sight, and also a reason why I love the way Australians live their lives - being super laid-back. They aren't as uptight as the Asians. I appreciate it so much.
• Then I saw the fireworks. Boom, boom, boom. Man, it was gorgeous. And it went on and on for about 30 minutes. I just put down the camera and immersed myself in that thoughtless moment. But after a while, I realized that people were getting restless. I thought... well, maybe sometimes too much of a good thing can be bad. It's strange and a little terrifying in its own way, how people can go from "woah" to "no" in just a few seconds. They're always searching for novelty, being stimulated by excitement. But that's what the Buddha taught - that seeking thrill in itself is merely an attachment to pleasure that fades away. No matter where we turn to for that experience, eventually it fades away due to impermanence and you suddenly think that you need a new fix. But the new fix will never satisfy the person, because the problem was internal, not external. Just looking at how such simple fireworks taught me a lesson and I was so deeply grateful for it, so grateful for the Dharma teachings.
• I appreciate the huge diversity in the world. I walked to the city to run some errands and saw a few buskers on the street (you don't get them in Singapore). They were playing some really exotic instruments and I just stood there, entranced by their music. There were so many shades, tastes and spectrum of senses that we engaged with in the world. Like the tutor said, if the world was equalized and the same, then it would be a pretty boring place.
• I am grateful for the lesson that I learnt in the international orientation I had for medicine. It was really interesting because I have also heard about the idea of privilege but never had the context to put it into. They gave us this racial biography of this girl and I realize now the meaning of "fish out of water". It's really true. Personally being a Singaporean chinese, I've never really realized my 'privilege' in being chinese. When I came to Western Australia, I became the odd one out. I was pretty horrified at the thought of being like an Asian dude in a pool of white people. Then I realized the meaning of racism. Some people would fling the finger out and go 'ching chong' when they drove past. Some were more accidental, saying things like "you must be super good at maths" or stuff like that. I saw the attitudes of the Aboriginals towards the whites, some of them had huge dissent for them because they felt that the whites invaded and took away their land. I see so much hatred in some of their eyes sometimes that I curse myself for being so oblivious. But at the same time I appreciate all of that, and I'm grateful for these experiences opening my eyes. I was truly a frog in the well in Singapore. I'm really grateful that I was able to look at Singapore from an external perspective.

 There are really quite a few... but I'm a little drained so I'll keep it as little stories in my mind. :)

23 January 2016

My 3 lessons of gratitude today:

• I am grateful for being able to experience that slight discomfort of leaving my comfortable home for the unknown future. It is definitely a lesson on impermanence and how to be non-attached. I'm grateful for being able to spend the day with my family. My dad doesn't express it but he always says something like "Do you know anyone in your course?" And he keeps asking questions about my accommodation. I think that's how he shows his care, since he's a pretty action-oriented person. I love him so much, even though he acts steely on the outside I can totally read him. My mum is more expressive though, she goes "what else you want to bring? tell me I go buy." Hahaha aww. I love her too. And then there's my bro and my sisters. They're all so endearing. I taught my bro this bro-code fist I learnt from an African in Australia. I think I've done whatever I can for now. I just hope the seeds continue to flourish :)
• I'm grateful for how life always seems to bring some kind of guidance for me. Just yesterday I was pondering on how so many things in our lives shape the way we move along in life, into the respective careers or people that we meet. It's strange how I met several medicine course-mates in my last semester by suddenly ending up in the same course group and project-work. So I'm grateful for that familiarity, maybe I can share a cab back to my hall after all that.
• I'm grateful for how synchronicity is arising again and again everywhere... It's as if I can feel the patterns around me. I say and see things before they happen... And I keep seeing this message coming to me in all kinds of forms: "Energy cannot be destroyed or created. So the only way is to convert it." I listen to a dharma talk by the qigong master today and he talked about how we must look at our existence as a being in the entire universe, not just the Earth. He referred to this person who lost his father and started crying so badly that his physical chest felt huge pain. The master then taught him how to go into the spiritual realm where he met his father in a beautiful place. I had shivers down my spine because I felt that it was a beautiful message. He said that when we go into higher levels, our wisdom opens up because we see that energy is only converted from one form to another - there is constant shifting, but there is never a real loss of anything. He said that being a Bodhisattva was to not cling onto physical existence nor the spiritual emptiness... but to be able to go back and forth in balance. Everytime he speaks, I feel as if time slows down and those ecstatic shivers go into my heart. I feel as if I was about to sob, I feel as if someone just showered an ocean of stars on me... I'm eternally grateful to how he has contributed towards my path. And he always says this - everyone is born a healer in some way, because we all have that inherent enlightenment. We just need to open our hearts, and keep it open throughout any kind of situation.

22 January 2016

My 3 lessons of gratitude today:

• Today I looked at the shrubs on the sidewalk and was overcome with a sudden intrigue. The leaves were so green. Some leaves were purple. And if you know about Color Wheel theory, they were exact opposites! The realization that this pattern was all over nature just made me sit there for a while, being amazed at how nature has given rise to so many amazing things. I remember being amazed by how intricate all the mechanisms in our body were while studying anatomy. Just one tiny shift and we would be dead. I remember being amazed at how intricate the planetary motions were. Just one degree off and we'd be spinning into a different galaxy. Nature is amazing and yet it is so resilient. I'm grateful for being a part of nature and I deeply appreciate the delicate harmony of the world.
• I am grateful to have lived in a loving family throughout my life. And I have always taken it for granted - only after I've heard things about how other families were torn apart, I started to appreciate all the things, however small, that I've been blessed with. It's difficult to know a blessing when you have it because you often take it for granted. I'm grateful to have parents that shower so much care on me, saying things like "You're leaving Singapore in a few days, what do you want to eat, I'll bring you there!" And inside me, all I really wanted want to spend my remaining time in their presence. I love them so much. Sometimes it can be hard to express it outwards and directly because Asian parents tend not to be as straightforward as Western parents. I just hope that my actions reach out to them. I'm sure they feel my care for them. I'm grateful. While I seem hardened after 3 years of leaving them, I always feel a soft spot for them. And I do my best throughout to let them know how much I care. Afterall, my family was the one who was with me throughout my years. Their merit to me can never be repaid in full.
• I am grateful to my old secondary school friends who gave me a surprise selfie and a heartwarming "hi!". I didn't join them but I felt their presence. I'm so grateful for all the friends that have kept contact with me over the years. I wasn't the best person or friend in my secondary school days. It's quite amazing how they've managed to stick around long enough.

21 January 2016

My 3 lessons of gratitude today:

• I am grateful to have been able to break through my mother's psychological resistance. Perseverance is truly the way through. I have tried so many ways of getting past that initial resistance and finally found a way to appeal to her. Since she was quite emotional, I introduced to her something that would come more naturally than breath meditation - metta. She seems to like it a lot and even told me that she would practise it everyday so that when I came back she would already have a certain degree of mastery. That surprised me a little and I'm so grateful to have finally gotten through to her. Perhaps it was my dedication... I've already preached the Dharma to her for over the past four or three weeks... Nearly a month! I'm so glad that she's taking it so seriously now. I hope that if she is able to remain present in metta, she would be able to affect the others in my family and inspire them to be compassionate individuals as well, particularly my brother who is going through puberty and having a bit of an emotional imbalance.
• I am grateful to have awesome friends who will be joining me in med this year. Although they're all in different rotations as I, I'll take it as an opportunity to get to know more people, so I'm grateful for this slight discomfort. It might take quite a bit of socializing with people of different nationalities but I think it's a great way for me to train my social batteries hahaha. The timetables are already out and I think I can do this. I know I can. I've always made it out of storms in one piece and I will do it this time without fail too. I think it's a good thing that I'm separated from the other Singaporeans too, because I'll be forced to start off in an unfamiliar environment. 
• I'm grateful to see how all the little things that I have done in the past have affected so many people around me. I had a very small private forum post which then spread far and affected over 50 people. A small book I wrote got me grateful emails that continued to light up my day each time I read them. All these small actions, they might amount to nothing much... But they delight me every time I realize how much I've helped others. That is why I will continue to extend my help in every way possible - whether as a doctor or as a human being. I am so grateful to how all of these people have come into my life in small ways and impacted me so much. 
• Lastly, my death contemplation. I lived every moment today with presence. I was mindful of my state and calibrated myself to radiating love and I found that it made a huge difference in my presence towards others, almost as if they could feel it. I feel like I've done my best in every moment. But while I wish that I do not regret anything if I were to die, I still harbor a small attachment to my responsibilities towards beings without contact of the dharma.